Full Disclosure

I kept things from him as well. I am also married. My marriage is at the “we haven’t had sex in over two years and I’ve asked for a divorce” stage. Different, I feel, from his “my wife is about to give birth to our first child” stage of marriage. I also ultimately told him everything, as we moved deeper and deeper into our relationship. I couldn’t stand the thought that I’d been less than completely open with him.

He had so many chances to end things with me, had he wanted to, and every single time he instead used the opportunity to take our relationship even farther. “Finding out” about the baby was a perfect opportunity, I even gave him the door to walk though and still he choose not to take it. When I told him about my marriage, he could have ended things and even come out looking like the injured party, had he chosen to do so. But he didn’t. He kept right on loving me, building me up, setting me up for a fall he HAD to know would eventually arrive. He called us two trains on the same track, said it was destiny that we’d met and fell in love, that there was no stopping it. He assured me over and over that “we’d have ours”, meaning our time, our life, the life together that we talked about. We ended every conversation with “never goodbye” and tossed about the word “always” like it actually meant something. Just typing that now made my heart drop and my pulse race.

My current relationship with my husband is complicated, in that he wants us to work things out and I want us to get divorced. He doesn’t believe in passionate love, the type of love I thought I had found with Dan. He thinks I’m a fool to believe that it can exist. Again, this is why I am fighting. I do not want to end up bitter and unfulfilled. Worse yet, I don’t want to let my current feelings of devastation and pain weaken me to the point where I go back to my old life, just because it is there for the taking.

I’m going to take a break from writing for a bit. The pain comes out of the blue and takes my breath away, several times a day. I need to cry, and then I need to function in my life for a while.

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