Even in hindsight, it’s difficult for me to see any signs that he was lying to me about his availability. Although, I do think I can see signs of how easily I was led along a certain path. He was clearly giving me something that I needed. Undivided attention. Unconditional acceptance. Encouragement. Sex, obviously. But even more important to me than the admittedly intense sexual attraction was the simple fact that he liked me and wanted to be with me. To the exclusion of other needs and obligations, even. We would talk all day long, while we each worked and attended to the day. All day long. He made me feel special and he made me feel loved, and I needed that. I still do. Not from him, although if I’m being honest I’d have to admit that I would still be with him, if I could. Barring the lies and the wife, of course. So basically, if I could make everything perfect, I would. Not a very original or practical thought, but there it is.
Backstory is probably necessary at this point, on the off chance that anyone ends up reading this. All the better to evaluate my true levels of blind idiocy and gullibility. We met in May. At the end of July, he “found out” that his ex-girlfriend was having his baby. Obviously, this was his wife, who he knew damn good and well was pregnant with his child. But the story I got was that they’d broken up and been out of contact, and that this was a huge surprise to him. We were out of contact for two days, with me completely frantic for his well-being because all he’d told me as he stood me up was that he couldn’t meet me, he was scared and please pray for him.
That was a Saturday night. On Monday, he sent me an email telling me he’d just found out about the baby and he was confused, excited and scared. Angry, as well, at his “ex” for withholding this information from him. Tuesday, we talked during the day, while we were at work. It was a sweetly sad conversation, with discussion about poor timing and what this would do to our blossoming romance. Nothing was decided, and we agreed to talk again that night. That night, he told me that he did not want to lose me, that he couldn’t imagine not having me in his life. He told me for the first time that he loved me and that he wanted us to be together.
My concerns, which I told him, were that his ex still loved him, that he might still have feelings for her, thoughts that he should be with her for the baby’s sake, and so on. I specifically told him that his happiness was of the utmost importance to me, even if it turned out that I was not meant to be in his life. I also made it clear that I’d rather know this now, than move on down this love road and potentially get hurt worse later on. He assured me that they’d broken up for a reason, that he did not want to be with her, that all he wanted was to be the best father possible to his little girl.
I believed him. I said I loved him, too, and we went forward from there.
I’m writing this, and I am somewhat embarrassed by my naivety. I do think I have reasons for it, which I’ll get into in another post. But mostly, I think that I had hope. I know I did. Hope and a belief in the possibility of true love. THAT is what I don’t want to lose as a result of all this and all the pain I am feeling. And to be honest, I am scared that I will. So that is why I am fighting, and why I am writing rambling things for the world to see. I’ve got to work through this, or I will lose my hope. I don’t want that.