I Just Keep Messing Up

I logged back into my other account, planning to deactivate it if possible. Only to discover that she’d actually replied to my earlier IM, was, in fact, actually in the act of replying. I wasn’t expecting that, for sure.

She either completely misread what I wrote or just took the wrong things from it. She thought I was saying I was choosing to believe that he was still in love with me, and wanted to know why on earth I’d say something like that to her. I do not even remotely believe that, trust me! What do I believe, let’s see. I believe that the love he did feel for me was pretty quickly snuffed by the realization that he was about to lose his family. And yes, I’ve considered whether that means it was a less than true love to begin with. It was a lesser love by definition, because it was a secondary love. I know this. Real and true love does not cheat. Doesn’t that sound reasonable? I don’t even know anymore, I don’t. No, I can’t say that, because that would imply that he couldn’t have a real and true love for her, since he was cheating on her with me. God, this is so confusing!

I am trying very hard to come to a place in my thinking where he can remain a nice person. I want to believe he is a good person who made a serious mistake. But maybe that is the wrong approach. Maybe he really is an asshole. Maybe THAT is the right approach. How can you tell? And why do I care so much that he stay a decent person? Some of it is because I am truly scared that this whole fiasco will make me jaded, will crush the me that believes passionate love exists, is attainable, is sustainable. That’s probably the main reason. Although as I said, I do want them to work things out. But why? Is it really because I want the man I love/d to be happy? Is it because his wife is a genuinely nice person and has been treated extremely unfairly by him, and therefore deserves to be happy? Is it because it is easier for me to pretend that he chose his wife and daughter over me, that circumstances and doing-the-right-thing are what keep us apart, than to believe he is an asshole who gets off on manipulating the emotions of women? And is there a happy medium between those two points?

If nothing he ever said to me was true, then he is a seriously and deeply damaged individual. And that’s scary to me. Because I did care for him, did love him, and because of what it would say about me, that I am completely unable to discern a man who truly and lastingly loves me from a sociopath. It is past my ability to believe that someone could be so manipulative and emotionless as to fake our entire relationship. If that is pathetic and desperate of me, so be it. I don’t know what else to think.

Earlier she’d said that she knew he had feelings for me. Just now, she said he never loved me. Totally understandable. She has her own ways of dealing with things, and her way is not necessarily my way. I am guilty of assuming that she would understand that my need to believe he did love me stems from a need to believe he is a good person, and that my desire to believe he is a good person is for her benefit as well. It was a mistake, and I am deeply sorry to have caused her additional pain. If you ever find this blog, I am truly sorry, Iliana. But dammit, I WANT him to be a good person, and I can’t figure out how he can be a good person without having meant the things he said to me. Cheating on your wife is a huge mistake, it is wrong, and he was clearly not being a good husband at all when he went down that road. But cheating on your wife while deliberately and methodically manipulating the emotions of a vulnerable woman, pretending to love her, making all that up just for what . . . kicks, I guess, that is beyond a mistake, that is borderline evil.

Is all this just random justifications on my part? Am I crazy? Maybe I am.

So damn confusing!

On the plus side, while I still suffer from my fantasy of wishing everything he said about her being the ex and us being in love was true, I think I’ve managed to get past the thought that I might actually take him back if time had passed and they were no longer together. I think. So that’s sort of something, right? Oh, that’s another thing. She took my wishful thinking as my saying I wanted her to be “the ex”, like he said she was. I tried to explain that I didn’t want that NOW, that I wanted what I thought was true before to still be true. There is a difference there, subtle but important. I would never wish pain and loss on her. But again, I totally see how that could be taken wrong and I am truly sorry. I apologized to her, and I’ll apologize again here.

I would NEVER wish the pain I’ve been through on anyone, ever. Heartache is bullshit, plain and simple bullshit.

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One thought on “I Just Keep Messing Up

  1. Pingback: A Self-Proclaimed Master Manipulator | Yes is Messy

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