Life is Too Short

Too, too many thoughts in my brain, all fighting for their moment in the sun. My brain will not stop, EVER, not until I finally am able to fall asleep, and often not even then, I can’t always get my thoughts out. It’s often frustrating.

I’ve learned some additional information about his activities during the time we were together, which is making me question my people-reading skills all over again. Not to mention all the concerns that pop up when I stop and wonder whether it will be safe, wise, remotely possible to trust someone again any time soon. And I’ve spent a bit more time alternating between sad and angry. Always a good time.

I have realized a few things, or at least thought up a few more things to ponder in my never-ending insomnia. Which, just for your information, is my natural state, not something that has occurred after the late unpleasantness. I shun sleep. Until the alarm goes off and I’ve only been asleep for two hours, then I LOVE sleep. But then it is too late, of course.

First thing: I thought I was safe with him, but in reality I was vulnerable. I am feeling vulnerable in hindsight, and feeling vulnerable makes me self-conscious and vaguely uncomfortable, like I’ve forgotten something that will surely embarrass me once I remember what it is. Which I think has something to do with having to accept his mean and hurtful message about having used me. I feel like he might be sitting around having a good laugh at my expense. Which is ridiculous, really, as I doubt he even gives me a passing thought. Also not a self-esteem booster, feeling discarded and used. Oh well. Nothing overly deep there, just a thought that dashed through my brain on its way to wherever random thoughts end up.

Second thing: I am changed, irrevocably. There is no going back. I can not be the person I was before I met him, and I can not be the person I was five minutes before his wife spoke to me for the first time. It ain’t gonna happen, so the wisest thing for me to do would be to focus on making sure the changes that are inevitable are for the better, and don’t lead to bitterness or jadedness.

And, that’s all I’ve got for now. The rest is, as I said, bouncing around inside my brain, causing me angst and unrest but not being kind enough to funnel itself into something helpful like painting or writing, or hell, even into an obsessive burst of housecleaning.

I think I’ll have a glass of amaretto and curl up with a book. In the meantime, here’s an excellent thought to keep in mind when the other stuff is trying to keep you down.

Desiderata

After my angry post, no matter where I turned I kept running into words meant to soothe me. Which, admittedly, was a bit annoying, as I had a pretty decent burn built up and therefore wasn’t particularly in the mood to be soothed. Isn’t is funny how things work out sometimes? From my Thich Naht Hahn quote, which were the first very words I laid eyes on as I flipped through a book to find my last place, to this poem, which a wonderful friend of mine felt compelled to send to me only yesterday, it was like the world wanted me to get a grip.

I can’t say it will last, in fact, I know darn good and well that it won’t, but again, it is a start and I am breathing.

Enjoy.

DESIDERATA

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

                                              — Max Ehrmann

Something To Remember

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

Random Thoughts

Anger is definitely a step forward, or at least I am choosing to view it as such. What will make me the happiest and give me the most hope for the future, though, is the first time I go an entire day without thinking about any aspect of this. Not him, not us. Nothing sad or wistful or angry. Nothing but blissful peace of mind. I’m not there yet. I’d really like to be there.

I’m having a hard time with positive thinking lately, although at least it is not only because of what happened. The holiday period from Thanksgiving to Christmas has always been stressful for me. I’m still not back to exercising, and I’m really starting to feel the lapse. And it’s going to be even longer until I can get back to it, because now I’ve gone and hurt my back. I was in a bad car accident when I was 16, and broke several vertebrae in my lower back. Which was bad, yes, but I recovered just fine and continued on with life. No big deal. It’s just that every once in a while, I move a certain way and something in my back revolts. And it’s always something completely insignificant, never when I’m dancing or hiking or climbing trees with my son. Nope, this time it happened as I got into the car and reached forward to put the key into the ignition. Instant back pain, so much and so sudden that I actually cried out loud. I thought I was going to have to call someone to come and help me, but eventually the spasms stopped and I could drive home. So, while I want to get back to the gym, it’s just not going to happen for at least another week. And that is frustrating to me, because it is very easy for me to lose my momentum and I don’t want to do that. I’ve lost 50 pounds in the last year, and I still have some to go. I don’t want to derail my progress. At any time, but certainly not now, when I’m struggling with depression. Severe depression is what caused me to gain weight in the first place. I don’t want to go there again.

Positive thoughts, then. Let’s see. There’s the job possibility, which I am trying to remain positive about while at the same time not attaching too much importance to it. I don’t want to make it my whole world and have it come crashing down if I do not get it. My son, obviously. That’s a given. What else? That is the problem. At least right this second, I can’t think of anything. No, wait . . . that’s not true. The stars were bright and beautiful last night when we got home, layer upon layer of sparkling light in the midst of inky blackness. That’s one huge benefit to living in the middle of nowhere, when it is dark it is very, very dark, and you can see stars for ever. My son stood in awe for a moment and then he burst out with “Mama! Look Mama, oh so beautiful! Like you, Mama!”

Ahhh, yes. My son thinks I am as beautiful as millions upon millions of stars. I can live with that.

Reclaiming My Own

So many things remind me of him, of us, of what we had, seemed to have, all that. And I’ve been avoiding certain things, thoughts of things, songs, places, and so on, because of that. Because of the feelings evoked, of the pain that shoots through me, because I was weak. I’m still weak, occasionally, momentarily, but overall I am strong and I will prevail. You can’t eat me. You can’t have my soul.

I love this picture, it is one of my favorite pictures of me and my son. And I let it be tainted, because it involved him. But you know what? He can’t have it, it is mine. I love it, my friends love it, and I look damn good in it. I’m taking it back. And that is a start.

Anger Is Like Fire

Finally made it through the holiday chaos, relatively sane, or at least no crazier than I was when I went in. Some days that’s winning, right?

So, that anger I mentioned a post or two back, remember that? Holy hell, is it here, with a vengeance. It’s not a constant, but it boils up from nowhere when I least expect it. Rather like the crippling, gut-clenching pain was doing previously. Which isn’t to say that the pain is gone, oh no, but at least something different is happening. I’m going to call that progress. Mostly because I know I have to keep moving forward. Anger is a stage of grieving, right?

Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean. Maya Angelou 

I’m fighting the bitter, and so far I am winning. But I am just SO angry at him, at his callous disregard for my mental and emotional wellbeing, my heart, my sanity. I want him to know that. Not that I want to talk to him, I do not. But I want him to know, truly know, how horribly he behaved, what a shitty, despicable thing he did. I imagine he has an idea of what he did to his wife, but I was in this too, and I got hurt too. Badly. So badly. I want to yell at him. I wish when we talked last that I’d been in a different state of mind other than painfully shocked disbelief. He invited me to yell at him, and all I could say was I love you and I don’t understand. Stupid. Fucking stupid.

I want to scream at him, hurl angry words at him, stand righteous with fury before him. I want to wield a fiery sword and smite him down for what he did to me. Dramatic much? Yeah, I know, but I do. I am pissed, seriously pissed. I just want to matter as a human being, as a woman, as someone with feelings who should have been treated properly, like a decent man should treat a woman, with respect. I want to say fuck you, Dan, fuck you Adrian, fuck you for hurting me so badly, fuck you for seeking me out and doing it again, cluelessly vicious and cruel, fuck you for having no apparent concern as to the consequences of your actions, except as they affect you personally. Fuck you for making me fall ever more in love with you, knowing the whole time that you had no goddamn right to offer me your love, no right to promise yourself to me, no right to do anything that you did. Fuck you for not being willing to stop on your own, for continuing and escalating our relationship, for dragging me deeper and deeper into your bullshit, for setting me up for a devastating fall that you knew would eventually come. Fuck you.

Fuck you.

It still hurts. But the anger, I think it is helping. Time heals, right?

Fuck. You.