My thoughts just keep endlessly looping. Non-productive, self destructive, depressive thoughts. Why? Why . . . everything? Why can’t I find and keep what I want out of life? What is wrong with me? Is it too much to ask for more? To want more? Am I wrong to want passion, to want love, to want someone who GETS me?
I MISS him. I miss the idea of him, I miss what we had, what I thought we had. Which we didn’t, clearly. Or, we did, but it wasn’t truthful, so it, what, doesn’t count? It certainly felt real to me, counted to me. I know that much. I feel stupid. And gullible. And foolish. I don’t even think it is all about him anymore. I mean, yes, I miss him. That’s quite obvious. But he’s a liar, a deceiver, a possibly not wonderful person. So, I think perhaps that I miss the idea of him more than the reality. Or the prior reality over the current one. I miss what it was when I was living it, and I miss the promise of the future, of having everything I wanted.
My grip is slipping. I can feel it slipping. I have to focus.