Where Is My Mind?

Lately I have been finding myself some portion of the way through an activity with no conscious memory of how I came to be there, or what I’d been thinking about prior to the return of self-awareness. Like a daydream I have no recollection of, or a brief slip from the rigors of reality. It is somewhat disconcerting. I wonder if it means anything, or if it is just a sign that I’ve had way too much to process recently?

I guess I’m a little bit concerned that I’m letting myself slip into a funk, or possibly an actual depression, but I can’t seem to stop anything. I feel like I’m a broken record, and I’ve stopped wanting to bother my friends with my pain, so I’m starting to shut people out or deflect them when they ask how I am doing. I don’t think that is wise, but again, I can’t seem to stop myself. I internalize so much, rather than bother other people with my problems, I always have. It’s actually one of the reasons I decided to try writing online. I feel like people are out there, possibly listening and caring. But they/you can read or not read, I’m not forcing myself and my woes on anyone. I don’t know. That might not make sense. Not much makes sense to me lately, not much at all.

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6 thoughts on “Where Is My Mind?

  1. I constantly forget how I get somehow or why I’m in the middle of a task sometimes, but it occurs to me because I’m highly sleep deprived. It sounds like you have an internal locus of control because you mention you’re “letting myself slip into a funk.” However, I think you should take a step outside of yourself and look at yourself from an outside perspective. Are you really letting yourself slip into a funk or have events that you can’t control impacted you in such a way that your emotions are slipping into a funk without even realizing it. It’s not your fault.

  2. I suppose I might be sleep deprived, although I’m not really much of a sleeper to begin with. I kind of enjoy my insomnia, at least usually. Now it just gives me even more time to ache.

    What do you mean about looking at myself from an outside perspective? What I am supposed to be looking for? I really am trying to be aware of where I’m at, in terms of depression. I’m starting to doubt my own perceptions though. I can’t tell where I am, realistically.

    • I meant view yourself from someone else’s eyes. Like through your mom’s, dad’s, son’s, sibling’s if you have any, coworkers, friends. Try to see what they see. There’s nothing in particular you should be looking for. I just suggested it to get an other perspective of what you might be going through. It’s ok if you can’t tell where you are. It’s happens to everyone. I don’t think it’s important to understand where you are in terms of depression, but it’s important to seek help if you have suicidal thoughts or just can’t get through the day anymore without crashing. Though, then it might be too late.

  3. I know NOTHING is going to take away your pain right now except for HIM to come back and say, just kidding this was all just a test to see how much you loved me. BUT try to find comfort in being able to LOVE that deeply. Not everyone is capable to LOVE with their EVERYthing BUT you are one of the LUCKY ones. I know it doesnt seem it now that you are LUCKy but you ARE!!! You will be able to LOVE someone who DESERVES your love. Thank you for sharing your PAIN, it helped me get thru the SHIT i’ve been dealing with. I have been following you from the beginning & I am ROOTING you on ALL the way!! Find comfort in your SON. He is here, he is YOURS, & he LOVES you UNCONDITIONALLY. I have a blog suggestion for you. It’s a difficult blog but I find that Maya inspires me on days that I feel the LOWEST. SOmetimes realizing that there is WORSE out there to suffer brings me back reality. http://www.rockstarronan.com This is def a DIFFERENT pain than what WE are experiencing BUT if you are like me & willing to TRY anything to get out of the FUNK Im thinking Maya and Ro can help you.
    Thinking of you often… wishing your pain away….
    J

  4. Oh my god, that poor woman! Now I feel horrible and selfish for thinking my own pain means anything at all. I can’t even imagine losing my son, that is the scariest thing ever. Poor Ronan. 😦

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