It’s OK To Feel The Way I Feel

Maybe there are certain things that are fine to be sad about, fine to mourn, and certain things that are not. I don’t know exactly, I’m more trying to explore a thought here. Is it possible to separate what happened from the person who caused it? Is it possible to have a broken heart, to have a spirit and a soul which need time to heal, time to grieve, and yet NOT give more attention than required to the person who caused my pain?

I think I’m struggling with whether the difficulties I am having are giving too much, I’m not sure of the exact word I’m looking for here . . . power, significance, leverage to him. Him being a person who perhaps or even definitely does not deserve my care, my time, my emotional outlay. Although, it’s like there are two versions of him. The version I knew and loved, who inexplicably morphed into the cheating asshole version who lied to me, lied to his wife, generally behaved in a despicable manner. It’s like the evil him rose up and killed the him I loved, the him that was kind, considerate, funny, smart, passionate and loving. The man I loved no longer exists.  And yes, I know some would say that the man I loved never actually existed in the first place, simply because he was actively lying and omitting, but I don’t know that I agree with that. Reality is subjective. I believed him, loved him, trusted and respected him, and he existed in my life, in my version of reality. I think that is a reasonable thing to mourn.

Again, I’m not exactly sure what, if anything, I’m going for here. Just an aimless exploration of my current thoughts, I suppose.

 

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7 thoughts on “It’s OK To Feel The Way I Feel

  1. I’ve made enough of a mess of my own life that I wonder whether I have any business offering advice or support to anyone else. That said, I’ll give it a whirl.

    I would suggest that aimless exploration of your current thoughts are just what you need. After all, you’re the only one who knows exactly how you feel.

    Regardless of what type of person he is or was, what you felt was real. It was not only real but also very special to you. Those are feelings that we’ll all only feel so many times along the course of our lives. It is logical to mourn them when they pass.

    I don’t think that you are giving power or leverage to him by dwelling on your emotions. On the contrary, you are healing yourself by letting your thoughts run through your mind. It’s not unlike the grieving process following a death.

    The important thing is to not stop living your life in the process. As you continue to live and go about your days, you allow other things to come in and fill the void that has been created.

    I wish you the best.

    • Yes, exactly! I keep hearing things from most of my friends about how big of a jerk he was, how much better off I am without him, and so on. And while that may possibly be true, it fails to take into account that I really did love him and it’s not so easy to just stop that feeling and pretend that it never happened. It did happen, and while it was happening it was more real and special to me than anything prior. I do think it’s reasonable to grieve.

      I’m definitely struggling with the “not stop living your life in the process” part, but I am trying to stay on top of that. At least as much as I can. Thank you again, for the kind words and the support. Whether you have your own messes to deal with or not hasn’t affected your ability to offer comfort, so thank you.

  2. I agree with you that it’s ok to feel the way you fell, but I disagree about reality. Reality is objective. Perception is subjective and perception is greater than reality. Keep that in mind. It’s ok to feel upset that he hurt you and that you lost something, but at the same time there’s a good chance that that something never existed and he just played you. Don’t use your perception to blind yourself to reality.

    Here are some links you may or may not find interesting or useful.
    http://madamenoire.com/85592/7-questions-to-ask-yourself-after-a-breakup/#
    http://madamenoire.com/84009/7-reasons-women-stay-in-unhealthy-relationships-2/#
    http://madamenoire.com/86187/how-to-filter-out-the-wrong-guys-fast/#
    http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/truths-i-wish-id-known-sooner-00000000025614/index.html

    It’s geared towards black women, but I think it has wise advice for all of us.

    • It did exist, because I was experiencing it. He may have played me, he may have loved me, he may have loved me and yet still played me, I don’t know. I have no way of knowing his reality, only my own. Or his perception of reality, or his truth.

      I do recognize that you are trying to help, and I appreciate that. But it did exist. If it hadn’t, I wouldn’t be in the emotional turmoil I am now in. It was real to me. Whatever it was that he and I had is clearly OVER, but that doesn’t make it not real or mean that it didn’t exist. It did. I was there. It did.

      • Thanks for the links, also. I’ll read them later. It’s almost time for me to go pick up my son from school.

  3. It is hard to lose someone, no matter what our friends say. . .been there, done that. . .just try to remember they love you, want to see you get past this, be able to find your joy. (You still have to make a lot of noise first though. . .the blog is a good idea, I think.

    One thing that helps me is to put the new loss into perspective. To think of all the people you thought you couldn’t live without before this. . .

    Remember that guy you fell in love with like five years ago. . .and how obsessed you were before that break-up?

    You look back on that and think “God, what . ..I mean, how did I get so wrapped up with HIM?”

    Or not.

    One day you will look back on it and not miss him though. It gets better. 🙂

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