I Don’t Like Birthdays

More specifically, I don’t like my own birthday. I used to love my birthday, and not just as a child. Throughout my twenties and even into the beginning of my thirties, I was still all about the birthday. Drinks? Sure. Presents? Aww, thanks. Cake? Why the hell not? Undivided attention? Yes, please! But no longer. I suppose it started changing once I finally realized that if I kept on having birthdays then one day I’d be forty. And who the hell wants to be in their forties? Not me. Definitely not me.

My birthday this year, well, it was horrid, terrible, painful. Devastating. I found out the man who said me loved me, the man I loved with all my heart, had a wife. Happy birthday to me, indeed. It was the night before, to be specific, but still. My birthday is tainted, oh yes it is. My birthday, already not my favorite day to begin with, is now the day I forgot how to breathe, the first day of many I spent on the floor crying, the day I couldn’t open my eyes. I didn’t talk to anyone, go anywhere, nothing.

I think I had a point when I started this post, and I swear it was supposed to be a small positive one. Hmm. Oh, right . . . I bought myself a present, that was the point. I bought it a month or so ago, when they first announced them, but it will soon be here and I am trying to be happy for something every day. So, I’m being happy that soon I’ll have a new Kindle Fire to play with.

Oh yes, and I feel empty, alone and unloved. Also vaguely panicky, but none of that is positive, so I’ll save it for another time.

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4 thoughts on “I Don’t Like Birthdays

  1. Don’t dread your forties, they are wonderful and freeing. You finally reach that point where some of the crap no longer matters to you. I love this age and wouldn’t go back for anything. Enjoy!!

  2. Maybe I just expected things to be different by this point, I don’t know exactly. I feel like I should have accomplished more, be more financially stable, have my life well in hand, have the kind of relationship I long for and so on.

    I let a whole lot of time pass me by, for many years, and I managed to lose my sense of who I am. It’s like I’ve only recently woken up from a very long sleep. I feel like I have a huge amount of catching up to do, and there is a part of me that is scared it might be too late.

  3. Getting older may have some drawbacks but it beats the hell out of the alternative. I’ll be 42 in January. I’m also newly single, newly bankrupt, and all of my earthly belongings fit into the smallest trailer that U-haul rents. I could easily be depressed…I am not.

    Perhaps think of the places where you feel a void in your life as blank slates. As you go through this next year, you have the opportunity to paint them as you desire.

    I’m so sorry that you’re still in so much pain. The best advice that I can give you is to look back on your own recent posts. From what I see, the concert day was the one day where you were feeling a bit upbeat. I believe that is the key. Get out there and keep yourself busy. I don’t care what you do, just do something.

    Even if you take your laundry to the laundromat instead of doing it at home, you’ll be interacting with the world. Stay active while you heal. In the process you’ll be living your life instead of just getting older.

  4. You are right. You’re very, very right. It’s a hell of a lot easier said than done, but yes. I need to do something. Almost anything, really. I have two girlfriend/social things for this weekend, providing my son will be fine staying with his father. So there’s that. The concert was a good day. A good evening, at least. I wasn’t thinking about anything other than enjoying the music, so it was a break. Maybe it’s just as simple as that. Wade through the pain, from break to break, and eventually you’ll be out the other side.

    Even after declaring bankruptcy, moving so many times, everything, I am astonished at the amount of crap I still own. It causes me actual anxiety. I’m thinking about selling or donating as much as I can. I’d just really like everything to be simple and uncluttered for a while.

    “Living your life instead of just getting older” is wonderful, thank you.

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