I spent a notable amount of time earlier today actually feeling angry. I haven’t really had much actual anger yet. A few brief flashes of irritation, and one burst of sad anger, but that’s about it. But no, today, I was mad. Unfortunately, it was still that sort of angry where, even if you have the focus of your anger around to yell at, you just end up crying. Which is what I did. Cry. Driving around, crying, wanting to yell at him, yell at some version of him, both versions, I don’t know.
My Dan vs. Adrian theory works for some purposes, most specifically it gives me a little bit of mental and emotional leeway in terms of dealing with my own levels of stupidity and gullibility. Which may or may not be a good thing, I don’t know. I’ve been saying that a lot lately. I. Don’t. Know. I’m sick and tired of my own damn self, I’m sure everyone else near me is nearing critical levels as well. WHY am I having such a hard time with this? How long does it take to get over heartache? Do you get over it, or are you just changed no matter what? I think you must just be changed no matter what. It’s not like I can go back to being the same person I used to be.
I’m just legitimately, and I think rightfully, angry at him. I wonder what his thought process was, why he thought it was an acceptable way to behave. Did he EVER slow down and consider my feelings, his wife’s feelings? Or was he solely thinking of his own pleasure, his own distractions, his own wants?
I want to throw something, or stomp around like a child, kicking chairs and doorframes. Part of me wants to somehow, someway, be able to impress upon him the seriousness of what he did, and the very real consequences, the real lives he affected. I want to stand up and scream “I matter, dammit! You had NO right!” But then I also want to be fine, be not in pain, not devastated, not someone who still cries, still hurts. I want to say fuck you for what you did to me, and I want to mean it.