Upon Further Reflection

I confess, I don’t always read the comments when I read other people’s blogs. It really just depends on how much time I have at any given moment. Anyway, I clarified a few things in a reply to a comment on my previous post and since I assume that at least a few people share my shameful burden of not always reading the comments, I’m going to repost it here. Because I can and why not. I want all this crap out and over with, you know? I was replying to a person who thought I was sad over him specifically and/or thinking of him.

Oh, I am not particularly interested in how he is. I hope his wife and child are well, and I hope in a vague sort of way that he isn’t crushed by heavy machinery or kidnapped by pirates, or anything ridiculous like that, but in general I don’t spend any significant amount of time actually mooning over (the current reality of) him.

I kind of miss the fake him, or at least the idea of the fake him. Call me stupid and sentimental. Fake him meshed with real me quite nicely. But once I realized, truly internalized, what he did, the cheating on his PREGNANT wife part and the callous disregard for my emotional and mental health part, I realized that the real him is quite simply not a man I want to know. And if real him happened to get a little karmic payback at some point in his future, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. But I’m not wishing for it, either.

My bursts of sadness have more to do with me. I WANT what I thought we had, with someone who is actually deserving of my love and passion. I want that, so much.

I think that last paragraph is the most important point here. And I’ll be the first to admit that it took me a while to figure that out. It’s really only been in the last few days, as I’ve been wondering why on earth I am still experiencing sadness over this, that it finally clicked. It’s about me and what I want from life, from love, from the relationships that I have now, that I may have in the future. Hell, probably ones from the past, too.

I need to figure out what I want out of life. Sounds easy enough, right?!

5 thoughts on “Upon Further Reflection

  1. I failed to see what you were saying. I commend you for the strength you have to know what is not good for you. You know that he is not what you want or need but rather you want a successful relationship like we all do. I struggle with getting myself to realize that I do not need my ex in my life in any way. Part of me still wants him and it is hard to let that go. 😦

    • It’s all good, I welcomed the opportunity to expand my thoughts. Yes, it is very hard to let that go, the wanting. I know, believe me! As horrible and incredibly painful as what he did was, I think in some ways it actually helped me come to the realization that he is not the caliber of man I want to be involved with much sooner than I might have otherwise.

      I don’t remember the circumstances of your situation . . . did you move to be with your boyfriend and then you broke up? If that was you, then I’m sure the stress of being in a new and unfamiliar location isn’t helping. I do hope you are able to find some peace.

  2. Thank you. 🙂 I actually had moved in order for my son to be closer to his father. I left my job and my friends and family behind to live where I currently do. I met David and was pretty sure that I knew what he was all about. He definitely seemed like the player type. He chased me assuring me that he was not at all just in it for the chase. I was in a very vulnerable state of mind and having him around was really nice and comforting. However, as soon as he knew that he had me he dumped me saying that he couldn’t handle a relationship at this point in his life. So basically I got played at a really bad time in my life.

    • Yeah, what is up with these types of men? It’s like they KNOW we’re in a vulnerable state, just ripe for being played. I guess it makes sense, maybe if we weren’t in a lower spot, we’d see them for what they were. Or, not make the choice to believe them. Something. The nice and comforting part, I completely get that.

      I’m really starting to wonder if I can actually have what I want. Maybe I’m being unreasonable? I wish I knew!

  3. Well obviously I’m having a hard time letting go of the wanting. And maybe it is what you said in your last paragraph…it’s knowing that I want what I thought I had…or what I had for a short time. Maybe not necessarily with that particular person. But try telling my hear that…damn thing needs to stay out of it and just pump blood!!

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