New Year’s Eve

One constant with being a parent, a sick child trumps everything. And so I find myself curled up in bed with my laptop, while my son tosses and turns restlessly beside me. Poor little man. I hate it when he’s sick, but at least I can bring him into my room and hold his hand while he sleeps. I still have this almost compulsive need to make certain he’s breathing. I don’t imagine that ever really goes away, more that you just learn to keep the urge under control.

Today has been a very emotional day for me. I’ve had the urge to have a good cry for most of the day. I think it has a lot to do with the time of year and the whole cycle of endings and beginnings, contrived though it may be. The last several years have been simultaneously some of the best and worst of my life. Most of the best has to do with my son, and the rest is pretty much just time I’m glad is in the past.

I’ve never been one for resolutions. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve ever made an official New Year’s resolution. I do have some thoughts for this coming year. None I’m ready to share, as I haven’t actually gotten them worked out, but there are definitely some ideas swirling around.

I am profoundly thankful that my mom is now a five-year survivor of breast cancer. She’s off her medicines and has been basically released by her oncologist, other than a yearly check-up. I can’t adequately express how relieved I am to still have her in my life. Her diagnosis was without a doubt one of the scariest things I’ve even experienced, that we as a family have ever experienced.

As for my stated desire to not think about him anymore, it’s going reasonably well. It still crops up now and then, but in a way that is less specific to him and more in a “circumstances of my life” sort of way. There are definitely still some things to explore, but more in terms of finally figuring out what I’d like out of my life and taking the necessary steps to achieve it. Which plays a bit into the idea of resolutions and so on. Anyway, I guess I’ve just finally come to the conclusion that he’s kind of a shit. And that’s ok, some people are. Thankfully, he and his issues are no longer my problem. I have quite enough of my own issues to keep me busy, thank you very much!

My son is stirring, so it won’t be long until he wakes up needing comfort and medicine. In the meantime, I and Neil Gaiman will leave you with best wishes for a happy 2012.

 

The Wait Continues

Today, I found out that there won’t be a decision on the job I want until January. Keep in mind that this is a job that I originally applied for in either late September or early October. I’ve honestly forgotten at this point, it’s taking so freaking long. I won’t go into my whole sorry financial life, as I know many people are struggling lately, but suffice it to say that I’m down to the very end of my rope, clinging on by my fingernails and straight up stubbornness. I need this job, that’s really all there is to it. And I feel as though my life is on hold while I am waiting. It is very frustrating. Which is not to say that I haven’t been looking at other options. I have. I’ve applied for so many jobs that I’ve lost count. But so far, nothing. I need this job. It is the best one, it offers the most opportunities, it pays the most money. Come on, universe. Please?

I did discover that there is free counseling available if you are willing to see a masters intern. So I am going to try it out, because you never know. I just want to make sure I am doing everything within my power to keep my head straight over the winter. I can’t afford to lose my grip, and as I’ve mentioned before, winter is a cold and icy bitch that storms into my life once every year and tries to steal my soul. It is hard to deal with winter in a good year, let alone one like this one, full of financial and relationship woes, and general life upheavals. I have an appointment for next week, so we’ll see what happens. I will say that just the simple act of writing, whether it is here on this blog or in my journals, has really helped me lately, but I think I need more. Hopefully this can be my more.

My main concern, emotionally, is that I can feel myself slipping into a numbness, into the lethargy and apathy of depression. I’m actually considering going back on my pills, just for a bit, even though they’ve never been my favorite thing. That is a gross understatement, actually. They smooth out the jagged edges, sure, but they also obliterate the necessary sharpness . . . of wit, of mind, of creativity. I don’t know. I also tend to feel that I shouldn’t need additional assistance, that medicating myself is admitting weakness, or some such bullshit. My typical pattern is to wait until I am literally unable to get out of bed or off the floor and then to seek out help, or have help foisted upon me. But this time is different, because I have a son, who needs me. So I am trying to be proactive. Everything I am doing, I am doing for him.

Random Thoughts

Anger is definitely a step forward, or at least I am choosing to view it as such. What will make me the happiest and give me the most hope for the future, though, is the first time I go an entire day without thinking about any aspect of this. Not him, not us. Nothing sad or wistful or angry. Nothing but blissful peace of mind. I’m not there yet. I’d really like to be there.

I’m having a hard time with positive thinking lately, although at least it is not only because of what happened. The holiday period from Thanksgiving to Christmas has always been stressful for me. I’m still not back to exercising, and I’m really starting to feel the lapse. And it’s going to be even longer until I can get back to it, because now I’ve gone and hurt my back. I was in a bad car accident when I was 16, and broke several vertebrae in my lower back. Which was bad, yes, but I recovered just fine and continued on with life. No big deal. It’s just that every once in a while, I move a certain way and something in my back revolts. And it’s always something completely insignificant, never when I’m dancing or hiking or climbing trees with my son. Nope, this time it happened as I got into the car and reached forward to put the key into the ignition. Instant back pain, so much and so sudden that I actually cried out loud. I thought I was going to have to call someone to come and help me, but eventually the spasms stopped and I could drive home. So, while I want to get back to the gym, it’s just not going to happen for at least another week. And that is frustrating to me, because it is very easy for me to lose my momentum and I don’t want to do that. I’ve lost 50 pounds in the last year, and I still have some to go. I don’t want to derail my progress. At any time, but certainly not now, when I’m struggling with depression. Severe depression is what caused me to gain weight in the first place. I don’t want to go there again.

Positive thoughts, then. Let’s see. There’s the job possibility, which I am trying to remain positive about while at the same time not attaching too much importance to it. I don’t want to make it my whole world and have it come crashing down if I do not get it. My son, obviously. That’s a given. What else? That is the problem. At least right this second, I can’t think of anything. No, wait . . . that’s not true. The stars were bright and beautiful last night when we got home, layer upon layer of sparkling light in the midst of inky blackness. That’s one huge benefit to living in the middle of nowhere, when it is dark it is very, very dark, and you can see stars for ever. My son stood in awe for a moment and then he burst out with “Mama! Look Mama, oh so beautiful! Like you, Mama!”

Ahhh, yes. My son thinks I am as beautiful as millions upon millions of stars. I can live with that.

I’m Neglecting My Health

As I sit here eating my first and probably only meal of the day (a bowl of popcorn and three powdered donuts), it occurs to me that I am not taking care of myself very well at all. I almost completely stopped eating after everything happened, because I couldn’t keep anything down. There was a period of maybe two weeks where I existed solely on Pepsi and Zesta crackers. I’ve lost about 10 pounds, which ordinarily would be a good thing, but not when it’s accompanied by dry skin, dull hair and loss of energy. Not to mention the fact that when I am stressed, I scratch my skin, usually either my forearms or my scalp, sometimes until I bleed. An unpleasant image, I know, but I do. I don’t realize I am doing it until either someone slaps my hand away or I start bleeding. I’m going to end up having to trim my fingernails very short, that’s the only thing that has stopped me in the past.

I’d already not been to the gym for a week or so prior to the heartbreak, due to a nasty bit of sickness that my son and I kept passing back and forth. And I haven’t been back since then. I need to go. I’ve been thinking that for days now, but I can’t quite work up the energy to actually do it. At least the thought is there, maybe that is a good sign.

Maybe in addition to my goal of trying to have at least one positive thought a day, I should add in something like “eat a vegetable”. Or “stop drinking so damn much Pepsi”. I’d almost kicked the habit, but boy I sure jumped straight back into it when the shit went down. I’m terribly weak when it comes to Pepsi.

I’m very nervous about my impending interview. I need to go shower and get ready, but instead I’m playing spider solitaire. Not a productive day so far. I’m going now. It’s a phone interview, but I still want to be fixed up appropriately. Definitely nervous. Ugh.