New Year’s Eve

One constant with being a parent, a sick child trumps everything. And so I find myself curled up in bed with my laptop, while my son tosses and turns restlessly beside me. Poor little man. I hate it when he’s sick, but at least I can bring him into my room and hold his hand while he sleeps. I still have this almost compulsive need to make certain he’s breathing. I don’t imagine that ever really goes away, more that you just learn to keep the urge under control.

Today has been a very emotional day for me. I’ve had the urge to have a good cry for most of the day. I think it has a lot to do with the time of year and the whole cycle of endings and beginnings, contrived though it may be. The last several years have been simultaneously some of the best and worst of my life. Most of the best has to do with my son, and the rest is pretty much just time I’m glad is in the past.

I’ve never been one for resolutions. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve ever made an official New Year’s resolution. I do have some thoughts for this coming year. None I’m ready to share, as I haven’t actually gotten them worked out, but there are definitely some ideas swirling around.

I am profoundly thankful that my mom is now a five-year survivor of breast cancer. She’s off her medicines and has been basically released by her oncologist, other than a yearly check-up. I can’t adequately express how relieved I am to still have her in my life. Her diagnosis was without a doubt one of the scariest things I’ve even experienced, that we as a family have ever experienced.

As for my stated desire to not think about him anymore, it’s going reasonably well. It still crops up now and then, but in a way that is less specific to him and more in a “circumstances of my life” sort of way. There are definitely still some things to explore, but more in terms of finally figuring out what I’d like out of my life and taking the necessary steps to achieve it. Which plays a bit into the idea of resolutions and so on. Anyway, I guess I’ve just finally come to the conclusion that he’s kind of a shit. And that’s ok, some people are. Thankfully, he and his issues are no longer my problem. I have quite enough of my own issues to keep me busy, thank you very much!

My son is stirring, so it won’t be long until he wakes up needing comfort and medicine. In the meantime, I and Neil Gaiman will leave you with best wishes for a happy 2012.

 

Desiderata

After my angry post, no matter where I turned I kept running into words meant to soothe me. Which, admittedly, was a bit annoying, as I had a pretty decent burn built up and therefore wasn’t particularly in the mood to be soothed. Isn’t is funny how things work out sometimes? From my Thich Naht Hahn quote, which were the first very words I laid eyes on as I flipped through a book to find my last place, to this poem, which a wonderful friend of mine felt compelled to send to me only yesterday, it was like the world wanted me to get a grip.

I can’t say it will last, in fact, I know darn good and well that it won’t, but again, it is a start and I am breathing.

Enjoy.

DESIDERATA

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

                                              — Max Ehrmann

A Quick Update

The interview went very well. There will still be more, there always are. But, hopefully, they’ll make a decision before the end of the year. One more hurdle passed, though. I feel, well, actually a bit hopeful, at least in terms of a possible financial upturn. Amazing!

A Brief Break . . .

. . . from your regularly scheduled angst. Foo Fighters. Friends. A whole lot of alcohol. A tiny bit of yes. That’s me on the left. My eyes aren’t always that red. Soon, sleep.

Foo Fighters concert

*Edited to add – Huh, well I swear the picture was there when I posted this, but I will confess to being, uh, less than 100% sober when I did it. And somehow it’s no longer on my phone, either. 😦

This Yes Is Mine

Someone asked me about the name I chose for this blog. It has to do with my version of positive thinking, my way of viewing the world. I strive to be a person who sees the Yes in life over the No. I’m not perfect at it, by any means, but it is my goal and I try to deliberately seek out the Yes.

He seemed to intuitively get this, which was something I found extremely attractive about him. Yes became a sort of code word with us, a testament to the connection we had, to our belief in possibilities and to our amazed excitement at what was happening between us.

Needless to say, my ability to see the Yes in life took a serious hit from discovering his lies and betrayal. It’s been shaken up, kicked, stomped on, everything. What’s worse, I’ve been made to feel foolish for even believing in the Yes in the first place. So I wanted a name that acknowledged that sometimes Yes is hard, sometimes it’s messy, sometimes you have to fight to keep it in your life. And I wanted to reclaim my word, my concept, from what it became between him and me. So while I hope he finds his own Yes, I am not responsible for his outlook, only for mine. And this Yes is mine.

Dan Jimenez, Adrian Jimenez, escritorio1978

Positive Thinking

I’m a generally positive person, by nature. At least I like to think so. Lately it has really been a struggle to keep smiling, though. I’ve dealt with severe depression in the past, and I am not there now, not at all. But having been there, and wanting never to go there again if at all possible, I am constantly on alert. Yes, depression is chemical and so on, but life situations can make you drop your guard. I know this well. And aside from the pain and trauma associated with losing a love I believed in, a love I thought was real, it all just happened so damn abruptly. One moment I was loving life, blissfully happy and in love, the next moment I am picking my shredded heart up off the floor. I had no time to prepare, the firm surface I was standing on was just snatched rudely from beneath me and replaced with betrayal, lies and abandonment. Add in the fact that winter is on its way and I loathe winter, and yeah, I’m struggling. I’m not superhuman.

So today, or at least right now, I am going to concentrate on the things that make me happy: Today is Halloween. I love Halloween. The sun is shining. My living room is clean. I had bacon and grits for breakfast. I have a new book to read. I still might get the job I’m trying to get.

And, of course, the number one reason to be happy and my number one reason for fighting to regain my balance and my spirit, my son. My son makes me happy. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I love him more than I even knew it was possible to love someone.