Holidays stress me in general, and it’s been a rough few days with more on the way. I’ll write about it eventually, I’m sure. Possibly even later tonight, after I get my son to bed. In the meantime, a reminder to me why I work as hard as I do, my reason for everything, my heart, my son.
“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh
Anger is definitely a step forward, or at least I am choosing to view it as such. What will make me the happiest and give me the most hope for the future, though, is the first time I go an entire day without thinking about any aspect of this. Not him, not us. Nothing sad or wistful or angry. Nothing but blissful peace of mind. I’m not there yet. I’d really like to be there.
I’m having a hard time with positive thinking lately, although at least it is not only because of what happened. The holiday period from Thanksgiving to Christmas has always been stressful for me. I’m still not back to exercising, and I’m really starting to feel the lapse. And it’s going to be even longer until I can get back to it, because now I’ve gone and hurt my back. I was in a bad car accident when I was 16, and broke several vertebrae in my lower back. Which was bad, yes, but I recovered just fine and continued on with life. No big deal. It’s just that every once in a while, I move a certain way and something in my back revolts. And it’s always something completely insignificant, never when I’m dancing or hiking or climbing trees with my son. Nope, this time it happened as I got into the car and reached forward to put the key into the ignition. Instant back pain, so much and so sudden that I actually cried out loud. I thought I was going to have to call someone to come and help me, but eventually the spasms stopped and I could drive home. So, while I want to get back to the gym, it’s just not going to happen for at least another week. And that is frustrating to me, because it is very easy for me to lose my momentum and I don’t want to do that. I’ve lost 50 pounds in the last year, and I still have some to go. I don’t want to derail my progress. At any time, but certainly not now, when I’m struggling with depression. Severe depression is what caused me to gain weight in the first place. I don’t want to go there again.
Positive thoughts, then. Let’s see. There’s the job possibility, which I am trying to remain positive about while at the same time not attaching too much importance to it. I don’t want to make it my whole world and have it come crashing down if I do not get it. My son, obviously. That’s a given. What else? That is the problem. At least right this second, I can’t think of anything. No, wait . . . that’s not true. The stars were bright and beautiful last night when we got home, layer upon layer of sparkling light in the midst of inky blackness. That’s one huge benefit to living in the middle of nowhere, when it is dark it is very, very dark, and you can see stars for ever. My son stood in awe for a moment and then he burst out with “Mama! Look Mama, oh so beautiful! Like you, Mama!”
Ahhh, yes. My son thinks I am as beautiful as millions upon millions of stars. I can live with that.
I can’t work up much in the way of positive thoughts right now, but I do have a bit of potentially good news to share. I have an interview tomorrow for a job that I have been trying to get for almost two months. If I could somehow manage to get this job, it would make a major difference in my financial situation and in my life. They haven’t been in any hurry to fill the position, but hopefully this next interview is a good sign. We shall see.
Also, it was snowing this morning but none of it stuck to the ground. So that is another positive, at least for me.
My goal is to think of at least one happy thought each day, to get myself back into the habit of being positive and forward thinking. So, with that in mind, I am looking forward to visiting my cousin this Saturday. Yes, we’ll probably end up downing a bottle of wine (or two) and commiserating a bit over our recently lost loves. But, sometimes that sort of thing just needs to be done, and I am thankful that our relationship is one where we can offer that comfort to each other.
I also just finished watching Tangled with my son, and his unique appreciation of the things most people might not notice makes me smile.
One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, when it comes to that.
More specifically, I don’t like my own birthday. I used to love my birthday, and not just as a child. Throughout my twenties and even into the beginning of my thirties, I was still all about the birthday. Drinks? Sure. Presents? Aww, thanks. Cake? Why the hell not? Undivided attention? Yes, please! But no longer. I suppose it started changing once I finally realized that if I kept on having birthdays then one day I’d be forty. And who the hell wants to be in their forties? Not me. Definitely not me.
My birthday this year, well, it was horrid, terrible, painful. Devastating. I found out the man who said me loved me, the man I loved with all my heart, had a wife. Happy birthday to me, indeed. It was the night before, to be specific, but still. My birthday is tainted, oh yes it is. My birthday, already not my favorite day to begin with, is now the day I forgot how to breathe, the first day of many I spent on the floor crying, the day I couldn’t open my eyes. I didn’t talk to anyone, go anywhere, nothing.
I think I had a point when I started this post, and I swear it was supposed to be a small positive one. Hmm. Oh, right . . . I bought myself a present, that was the point. I bought it a month or so ago, when they first announced them, but it will soon be here and I am trying to be happy for something every day. So, I’m being happy that soon I’ll have a new Kindle Fire to play with.
Oh yes, and I feel empty, alone and unloved. Also vaguely panicky, but none of that is positive, so I’ll save it for another time.