Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Actually, it is cold everywhere. And by everywhere, I specifically mean inside my house. It is freaking freezing in here! I have no furnace. Well, that is not exactly true. I have a very old and decrepit furnace that currently has no oil in it, because for one thing I can’t really afford any and also, the furnace is so busted it is almost not worth it anyway. I live in a very old farmhouse, which I really do love, but which is not anywhere close to airtight. Old windows, old doors, old walls with sparse insulation. I am currently making do with space heaters, so at least there is a small radius of warmth, if I sit right in front of one. There’s one in the living room, one in the bathroom and one in each bedroom. If you aren’t in front of one, it’s somewhere in the 40’s. That’s INSIDE the house, keep in mind. Outside, it’s maybe in the low 20’s, but the wind chill is fierce.

I am thinking about letting my son sleep with me again, even though it took forever for him to go back to sleeping in his own room after last winter. He’s hot natured anyway, plus he’s got that whole kid specific natural body heat. He’s like my own personal heat source!

My hands and feet are so cold that I am considering getting back into bed for awhile, just to get warmed up. Or I might go stand in the shower with the hot water on full blast for a while. The bad part is that you eventually have to get out, and then it’s cold all over again.

I shouldn’t have to wear gloves and a hat inside my own house!

Ok, I’m done moaning for now. But really universe, if you are listening, it is time for a job to come through and a move to be in my future. It is time!

The Wait Continues

Today, I found out that there won’t be a decision on the job I want until January. Keep in mind that this is a job that I originally applied for in either late September or early October. I’ve honestly forgotten at this point, it’s taking so freaking long. I won’t go into my whole sorry financial life, as I know many people are struggling lately, but suffice it to say that I’m down to the very end of my rope, clinging on by my fingernails and straight up stubbornness. I need this job, that’s really all there is to it. And I feel as though my life is on hold while I am waiting. It is very frustrating. Which is not to say that I haven’t been looking at other options. I have. I’ve applied for so many jobs that I’ve lost count. But so far, nothing. I need this job. It is the best one, it offers the most opportunities, it pays the most money. Come on, universe. Please?

I did discover that there is free counseling available if you are willing to see a masters intern. So I am going to try it out, because you never know. I just want to make sure I am doing everything within my power to keep my head straight over the winter. I can’t afford to lose my grip, and as I’ve mentioned before, winter is a cold and icy bitch that storms into my life once every year and tries to steal my soul. It is hard to deal with winter in a good year, let alone one like this one, full of financial and relationship woes, and general life upheavals. I have an appointment for next week, so we’ll see what happens. I will say that just the simple act of writing, whether it is here on this blog or in my journals, has really helped me lately, but I think I need more. Hopefully this can be my more.

My main concern, emotionally, is that I can feel myself slipping into a numbness, into the lethargy and apathy of depression. I’m actually considering going back on my pills, just for a bit, even though they’ve never been my favorite thing. That is a gross understatement, actually. They smooth out the jagged edges, sure, but they also obliterate the necessary sharpness . . . of wit, of mind, of creativity. I don’t know. I also tend to feel that I shouldn’t need additional assistance, that medicating myself is admitting weakness, or some such bullshit. My typical pattern is to wait until I am literally unable to get out of bed or off the floor and then to seek out help, or have help foisted upon me. But this time is different, because I have a son, who needs me. So I am trying to be proactive. Everything I am doing, I am doing for him.

A Quick Update

The interview went very well. There will still be more, there always are. But, hopefully, they’ll make a decision before the end of the year. One more hurdle passed, though. I feel, well, actually a bit hopeful, at least in terms of a possible financial upturn. Amazing!