I Know, I Know . . . I Said I Was Done

WHY, for crying out loud, am I still occasionally experiencing waves of sadness over the loss of a man who, when you get right down to it, proved himself emphatically to NOT be the type of man I would actually want to be with?! My brain is a fully functioning one, and intellectually I am over it, over him. But my emotional side has other ideas, and is apparently having a grand old time gracing me with bouts of weepiness and making me generally achy in the heart region. It is really quite annoying. I mean, if I had to make a list of things that would keep me from getting involved with someone, “cheats on pregnant wife” would be be WAY up there! Really high, and right next to “depraved indifference to the feelings of clueless ‘mistress’ and previously mentioned, cheated-upon, pregnant wife”.

So again, I’m asking . . . what the fuck is wrong with me that I still get sad about this!?!?! I do NOT want this man, or anyone of his ilk. I’m going to plead hormones. Does that make any sense? Or maybe it’s intermittent  bursts of insanity. I don’t know. My cousin’s theory is that he represents something that I wish I had. As in, it’s not him, it’s the idea of him. Which makes as much sense as anything, I suppose. It’s definitely not him specifically, I do know that. At least not anymore. And since he was clearly actively lying to me the entire time we were together, he was also likely lying in regards to his perceived “perfect-for-me” quality. So maybe it’s just as simple as I viewed him as perfect for me, due in whatever parts to both his skills in lying and my need to believe in the existence of a mythical “perfect” man.

Ok, that kind of makes sense. I’m really just still sad over the loss of said mythical, “perfect” man. Ha. Gosh, I feel so much better now!



The Wait Continues

Today, I found out that there won’t be a decision on the job I want until January. Keep in mind that this is a job that I originally applied for in either late September or early October. I’ve honestly forgotten at this point, it’s taking so freaking long. I won’t go into my whole sorry financial life, as I know many people are struggling lately, but suffice it to say that I’m down to the very end of my rope, clinging on by my fingernails and straight up stubbornness. I need this job, that’s really all there is to it. And I feel as though my life is on hold while I am waiting. It is very frustrating. Which is not to say that I haven’t been looking at other options. I have. I’ve applied for so many jobs that I’ve lost count. But so far, nothing. I need this job. It is the best one, it offers the most opportunities, it pays the most money. Come on, universe. Please?

I did discover that there is free counseling available if you are willing to see a masters intern. So I am going to try it out, because you never know. I just want to make sure I am doing everything within my power to keep my head straight over the winter. I can’t afford to lose my grip, and as I’ve mentioned before, winter is a cold and icy bitch that storms into my life once every year and tries to steal my soul. It is hard to deal with winter in a good year, let alone one like this one, full of financial and relationship woes, and general life upheavals. I have an appointment for next week, so we’ll see what happens. I will say that just the simple act of writing, whether it is here on this blog or in my journals, has really helped me lately, but I think I need more. Hopefully this can be my more.

My main concern, emotionally, is that I can feel myself slipping into a numbness, into the lethargy and apathy of depression. I’m actually considering going back on my pills, just for a bit, even though they’ve never been my favorite thing. That is a gross understatement, actually. They smooth out the jagged edges, sure, but they also obliterate the necessary sharpness . . . of wit, of mind, of creativity. I don’t know. I also tend to feel that I shouldn’t need additional assistance, that medicating myself is admitting weakness, or some such bullshit. My typical pattern is to wait until I am literally unable to get out of bed or off the floor and then to seek out help, or have help foisted upon me. But this time is different, because I have a son, who needs me. So I am trying to be proactive. Everything I am doing, I am doing for him.

I Miss Love

I miss being in love. Not with him, not specifically. Just being in love. I miss having someone to talk to, someone to fill my heart and mind. I miss waking up in the morning with a smile on my face simply because that person exists in my world. I miss believing that someone loves me, too.

I miss feeling like someone has my back. It’s you and me against the world, baby!

Nope. It’s just me, and I feel very alone today.

The Waves Crash Over Me

For every moment of clarity, every small ray of light that I manage to drag to the surface of me, every moment where I think I might be doing better, there is, eventually and inevitably, a violent recoil that knocks me off my feet. It is a tangible thing, I can feel it happen, feel it hit me. Sometimes it is so sudden that I have no warning at all, while at other times I can see and feel it flying towards me, faster and faster, coming for me. I cannot escape, I cannot hide. I cannot stand against it. It forces me to the ground, drops me to my knees. It steals the breath from my lungs and the spark from my soul. And so I find myself curled into a ball in the corner of my sofa, crying like a child.

I’ve been trying to apply the technique that I use to help me deal with migraines, which is very simple. Just slow, steady breaths combined with visualizing myself floating safely beneath the water, letting the pain wash over me while I gently sway beneath the crashing waves. It isn’t helping, at least not so far. I feel physically battered, and I am exhausted. In all ways exhausted.

I have more to say, more thoughts to explore, but I can’t find the words. I feel blunted. Numbness surrounds and accentuates the icy pain that I cannot seem to make leave me be, no matter how hard I try.

I am fighting, I am. I can’t find me, but I am still here, maybe not standing, but I am still here.

Dammit, Dammit, Damn It All

Not a good day. Not at all. Today, right now, I just want him. I miss everything about him. The him I knew, the him I loved. The him that is lost, gone, not available, not mine, vanished. I can’t make my brain function, my emotions are definitely in the driver’s seat today. Damn. My heart hurts. It HURTS. I’m shaky and cold. I can’t keep any food down. I keep leaking tears everywhere, and it just fucking hurts. Such bullshit.

I want to know WHY? And there is just no answer to that question, no answer at all.

My heart is bleeding.

A Self-Proclaimed Master Manipulator

This post has been edited as of 11/10/11, see below. I’ve removed or changed nothing, merely added commentary and strikeouts. 

Earlier this evening, I found a Facebook message from him, that had apparently been sent this past Saturday. In it, he said that I’d been “caught in the web of lies of a master manipulator” and that he never meant anything he ever said to me, but used me for “pleasure without responsibility”. He also said that I had contacted his wife in order to tell her that he loved me, which either means that he did not read what I wrote or he is being deliberately obtuse. To be clear, I actually replied to his wife’s contact, which is a minor point but still worth mentioning. As for the conversation, I’ve certainly been over that whole bad idea enough in previous posts, and as I have painstakingly attempted to explain, at that point I was still trying to figure out a way where he could be a good person who made a major mistake. The only way I could manage to make what he did to me and to his wife reconcile with a mistake an otherwise decent person might make was if he did, in fact, feel about me as he repeatedly said he did during our time together. At that time, I felt that it was better for everyone’s future if he could be viewed as a good person.

Since then, I’ve been slowly and painfully coming to my own realizations about the state of his character, and with this latest contact I think I can safely put to rest my uncertainty as to whether or not he is a good person. The answer is “no”. Not only is he not a good person, I think . . . well, I wonder if he might actually be evil. I simply cannot wrap my mind around the type of person you would have to be in order to deliberately and systematically manipulate someone to the extent that he claims to have manipulated me. And then to create a Facebook account for the sole purpose of finding me there and sending me a message bragging about his skills as a manipulator? What the fuck? He was never on FB, and he has my address, emails, phone numbers, any number of ways to contact me other than creating an account to deliberately hurt me even more than he already has. Not that contact was even necessary. Clearly his only purpose here was to hurt me.

To say I am not doing well would be a drastic understatement. I wasn’t doing well before this, but now . . . I don’t know. I have a lot to think about, a lot to process, but I don’t want to think. I want to disappear. I don’t think I can do this on my own. I need help. My soul is screaming in pain right now, and I’d like to go to sleep and not wake up for a very long time. I think I might be in shock.

I’ll write more later. Probably. Or not. This is so beyond wrong and hard and painful. He’s going to do this again, eventually. He’s going to be bored in his life, and find another woman at a crossroad in her life, and he’s going to amuse himself by destroying her faith in human decency. Let alone her belief in love.

Edited 11/10/11 – I don’t want to completely censor things I’ve written, but I also have a strong belief in the power of words. I like his wife, she is a good and kind person who he’s treated extremely poorly, and I don’t want to inadvertently mess with the universal flow of things by making definitive statements about what he will or will not do in the future. I wish her nothing but happiness, whether it is with him or off on her own.

The same goes for the sentiment expressed below. I admit that the word I chose is perhaps a bit stronger than actually warranted, and I don’t want that negative energy following her around via her husband. 

Shame on you, Dan. My god, your poor wife. Your poor child! You are an evil and cruel man, Daniel Adrian Jimenez. Or Adrian Daniel Jimenez, since that was how your new FB account listed your name. Just one more lie, I suppose. We met online. Escritorio1978, that was his screen name. I imagine he’ll change it for the next victim, but in case he doesn’t, I hope the next woman is smart enough to Google him before she loses her heart.

I am too fucking stupid to exist. Gullible. Naive. Hopeless, hurt and bleeding. Too trusting, entirely too trusting.

Winter Is Coming For Me

There was a thick layer of frost over everything this morning when I left to drive my son to school. Just one more sign that winter is on its way, that the days will get shorter, darker and bleaker. There’s already been snow flurries in the surrounding areas. Last year, the first significant snow was on December 24th, and that was the last time I saw the ground until maybe March or April of this year. I detest winter, I so do. And it is stalking me, coming for me, lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce and steal away my sunshine.

Snow can be beautiful. I can appreciate that. But in general, I really don’t care for it, or winter, at all. It’s just one more thing right now. That’s what it feels like my life has become lately, one thing after another to have to deal with, to have to overcome. I would like a break. I would LOVE a break.