Random Thoughts

Anger is definitely a step forward, or at least I am choosing to view it as such. What will make me the happiest and give me the most hope for the future, though, is the first time I go an entire day without thinking about any aspect of this. Not him, not us. Nothing sad or wistful or angry. Nothing but blissful peace of mind. I’m not there yet. I’d really like to be there.

I’m having a hard time with positive thinking lately, although at least it is not only because of what happened. The holiday period from Thanksgiving to Christmas has always been stressful for me. I’m still not back to exercising, and I’m really starting to feel the lapse. And it’s going to be even longer until I can get back to it, because now I’ve gone and hurt my back. I was in a bad car accident when I was 16, and broke several vertebrae in my lower back. Which was bad, yes, but I recovered just fine and continued on with life. No big deal. It’s just that every once in a while, I move a certain way and something in my back revolts. And it’s always something completely insignificant, never when I’m dancing or hiking or climbing trees with my son. Nope, this time it happened as I got into the car and reached forward to put the key into the ignition. Instant back pain, so much and so sudden that I actually cried out loud. I thought I was going to have to call someone to come and help me, but eventually the spasms stopped and I could drive home. So, while I want to get back to the gym, it’s just not going to happen for at least another week. And that is frustrating to me, because it is very easy for me to lose my momentum and I don’t want to do that. I’ve lost 50 pounds in the last year, and I still have some to go. I don’t want to derail my progress. At any time, but certainly not now, when I’m struggling with depression. Severe depression is what caused me to gain weight in the first place. I don’t want to go there again.

Positive thoughts, then. Let’s see. There’s the job possibility, which I am trying to remain positive about while at the same time not attaching too much importance to it. I don’t want to make it my whole world and have it come crashing down if I do not get it. My son, obviously. That’s a given. What else? That is the problem. At least right this second, I can’t think of anything. No, wait . . . that’s not true.┬áThe stars were bright and beautiful last night when we got home, layer upon layer of sparkling light in the midst of inky blackness. That’s one huge benefit to living in the middle of nowhere, when it is dark it is very, very dark, and you can see stars for ever. My son stood in awe for a moment and then he burst out with “Mama! Look Mama, oh so beautiful! Like you, Mama!”

Ahhh, yes. My son thinks I am as beautiful as millions upon millions of stars. I can live with that.

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I’m Neglecting My Health

As I sit here eating my first and probably only meal of┬áthe day (a bowl of popcorn and three powdered donuts), it occurs to me that I am not taking care of myself very well at all. I almost completely stopped eating after everything happened, because I couldn’t keep anything down. There was a period of maybe two weeks where I existed solely on Pepsi and Zesta crackers. I’ve lost about 10 pounds, which ordinarily would be a good thing, but not when it’s accompanied by dry skin, dull hair and loss of energy. Not to mention the fact that when I am stressed, I scratch my skin, usually either my forearms or my scalp, sometimes until I bleed. An unpleasant image, I know, but I do. I don’t realize I am doing it until either someone slaps my hand away or I start bleeding. I’m going to end up having to trim my fingernails very short, that’s the only thing that has stopped me in the past.

I’d already not been to the gym for a week or so prior to the heartbreak, due to a nasty bit of sickness that my son and I kept passing back and forth. And I haven’t been back since then. I need to go. I’ve been thinking that for days now, but I can’t quite work up the energy to actually do it. At least the thought is there, maybe that is a good sign.

Maybe in addition to my goal of trying to have at least one positive thought a day, I should add in something like “eat a vegetable”. Or “stop drinking so damn much Pepsi”. I’d almost kicked the habit, but boy I sure jumped straight back into it when the shit went down. I’m terribly weak when it comes to Pepsi.

I’m very nervous about my impending interview. I need to go shower and get ready, but instead I’m playing spider solitaire. Not a productive day so far. I’m going now. It’s a phone interview, but I still want to be fixed up appropriately. Definitely nervous. Ugh.