Life Is Crazy

It is, it really, really is. Things change, things end and begin. Tiny flickers of hope appear in places where you never expected to see them. I have much to talk about and no time to do so. This is merely a promise to myself . . . I will write and I will think and I will learn. I have notes to myself everywhere.

“Write something, dammit!”

I will. But for now, I am having a girl’s weekend, and it’s time to go get something to eat.

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Upon Further Reflection

I confess, I don’t always read the comments when I read other people’s blogs. It really just depends on how much time I have at any given moment. Anyway, I clarified a few things in a reply to a comment on my previous post and since I assume that at least a few people share my shameful burden of not always reading the comments, I’m going to repost it here. Because I can and why not. I want all this crap out and over with, you know? I was replying to a person who thought I was sad over him specifically and/or thinking of him.

Oh, I am not particularly interested in how he is. I hope his wife and child are well, and I hope in a vague sort of way that he isn’t crushed by heavy machinery or kidnapped by pirates, or anything ridiculous like that, but in general I don’t spend any significant amount of time actually mooning over (the current reality of) him.

I kind of miss the fake him, or at least the idea of the fake him. Call me stupid and sentimental. Fake him meshed with real me quite nicely. But once I realized, truly internalized, what he did, the cheating on his PREGNANT wife part and the callous disregard for my emotional and mental health part, I realized that the real him is quite simply not a man I want to know. And if real him happened to get a little karmic payback at some point in his future, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. But I’m not wishing for it, either.

My bursts of sadness have more to do with me. I WANT what I thought we had, with someone who is actually deserving of my love and passion. I want that, so much.

I think that last paragraph is the most important point here. And I’ll be the first to admit that it took me a while to figure that out. It’s really only been in the last few days, as I’ve been wondering why on earth I am still experiencing sadness over this, that it finally clicked. It’s about me and what I want from life, from love, from the relationships that I have now, that I may have in the future. Hell, probably ones from the past, too.

I need to figure out what I want out of life. Sounds easy enough, right?!

Positive Thoughts For The Day

My goal is to think of at least one happy thought each day, to get myself back into the habit of being positive and forward thinking. So, with that in mind, I am looking forward to visiting my cousin this Saturday. Yes, we’ll probably end up downing a bottle of wine (or two) and commiserating a bit over our recently lost loves. But, sometimes that sort of thing just needs to be done, and I am thankful that our relationship is one where we can offer that comfort to each other.

I also just finished watching Tangled with my son, and his unique appreciation of the things most people might not notice makes me smile.

One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, when it comes to that.

This Yes Is Mine

Someone asked me about the name I chose for this blog. It has to do with my version of positive thinking, my way of viewing the world. I strive to be a person who sees the Yes in life over the No. I’m not perfect at it, by any means, but it is my goal and I try to deliberately seek out the Yes.

He seemed to intuitively get this, which was something I found extremely attractive about him. Yes became a sort of code word with us, a testament to the connection we had, to our belief in possibilities and to our amazed excitement at what was happening between us.

Needless to say, my ability to see the Yes in life took a serious hit from discovering his lies and betrayal. It’s been shaken up, kicked, stomped on, everything. What’s worse, I’ve been made to feel foolish for even believing in the Yes in the first place. So I wanted a name that acknowledged that sometimes Yes is hard, sometimes it’s messy, sometimes you have to fight to keep it in your life. And I wanted to reclaim my word, my concept, from what it became between him and me. So while I hope he finds his own Yes, I am not responsible for his outlook, only for mine. And this Yes is mine.

Dan Jimenez, Adrian Jimenez, escritorio1978

Positive Thinking

I’m a generally positive person, by nature. At least I like to think so. Lately it has really been a struggle to keep smiling, though. I’ve dealt with severe depression in the past, and I am not there now, not at all. But having been there, and wanting never to go there again if at all possible, I am constantly on alert. Yes, depression is chemical and so on, but life situations can make you drop your guard. I know this well. And aside from the pain and trauma associated with losing a love I believed in, a love I thought was real, it all just happened so damn abruptly. One moment I was loving life, blissfully happy and in love, the next moment I am picking my shredded heart up off the floor. I had no time to prepare, the firm surface I was standing on was just snatched rudely from beneath me and replaced with betrayal, lies and abandonment. Add in the fact that winter is on its way and I loathe winter, and yeah, I’m struggling. I’m not superhuman.

So today, or at least right now, I am going to concentrate on the things that make me happy: Today is Halloween. I love Halloween. The sun is shining. My living room is clean. I had bacon and grits for breakfast. I have a new book to read. I still might get the job I’m trying to get.

And, of course, the number one reason to be happy and my number one reason for fighting to regain my balance and my spirit, my son. My son makes me happy. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I love him more than I even knew it was possible to love someone.