Life Is Crazy

It is, it really, really is. Things change, things end and begin. Tiny flickers of hope appear in places where you never expected to see them. I have much to talk about and no time to do so. This is merely a promise to myself . . . I will write and I will think and I will learn. I have notes to myself everywhere.

“Write something, dammit!”

I will. But for now, I am having a girl’s weekend, and it’s time to go get something to eat.

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New Year’s Eve

One constant with being a parent, a sick child trumps everything. And so I find myself curled up in bed with my laptop, while my son tosses and turns restlessly beside me. Poor little man. I hate it when he’s sick, but at least I can bring him into my room and hold his hand while he sleeps. I still have this almost compulsive need to make certain he’s breathing. I don’t imagine that ever really goes away, more that you just learn to keep the urge under control.

Today has been a very emotional day for me. I’ve had the urge to have a good cry for most of the day. I think it has a lot to do with the time of year and the whole cycle of endings and beginnings, contrived though it may be. The last several years have been simultaneously some of the best and worst of my life. Most of the best has to do with my son, and the rest is pretty much just time I’m glad is in the past.

I’ve never been one for resolutions. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve ever made an official New Year’s resolution. I do have some thoughts for this coming year. None I’m ready to share, as I haven’t actually gotten them worked out, but there are definitely some ideas swirling around.

I am profoundly thankful that my mom is now a five-year survivor of breast cancer. She’s off her medicines and has been basically released by her oncologist, other than a yearly check-up. I can’t adequately express how relieved I am to still have her in my life. Her diagnosis was without a doubt one of the scariest things I’ve even experienced, that we as a family have ever experienced.

As for my stated desire to not think about him anymore, it’s going reasonably well. It still crops up now and then, but in a way that is less specific to him and more in a “circumstances of my life” sort of way. There are definitely still some things to explore, but more in terms of finally figuring out what I’d like out of my life and taking the necessary steps to achieve it. Which plays a bit into the idea of resolutions and so on. Anyway, I guess I’ve just finally come to the conclusion that he’s kind of a shit. And that’s ok, some people are. Thankfully, he and his issues are no longer my problem. I have quite enough of my own issues to keep me busy, thank you very much!

My son is stirring, so it won’t be long until he wakes up needing comfort and medicine. In the meantime, I and Neil Gaiman will leave you with best wishes for a happy 2012.

 

A Quick Update

The interview went very well. There will still be more, there always are. But, hopefully, they’ll make a decision before the end of the year. One more hurdle passed, though. I feel, well, actually a bit hopeful, at least in terms of a possible financial upturn. Amazing!

Positive Thoughts For The Day

My goal is to think of at least one happy thought each day, to get myself back into the habit of being positive and forward thinking. So, with that in mind, I am looking forward to visiting my cousin this Saturday. Yes, we’ll probably end up downing a bottle of wine (or two) and commiserating a bit over our recently lost loves. But, sometimes that sort of thing just needs to be done, and I am thankful that our relationship is one where we can offer that comfort to each other.

I also just finished watching Tangled with my son, and his unique appreciation of the things most people might not notice makes me smile.

One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, when it comes to that.

Love Is Love

It is a daily battle, hell, a minute by minute battle at times, to regain my positive outlook. I’ve had a general overlying feeling of anxiety today, but while it wasn’t the best day I’ve had since this happened, it also wasn’t the worst. And I guess that is worth something.

So, in a spirit of forward thinking, I’d like to say that I love love. The idea of it, the thrill of it, the possibilities of it. I like being a fool in love, I just do. As hard and painful as this has been, as it still is, for me, I do believe in love and I really do think it is worth taking a chance on. Next time I’ll try to temper it with a little bit of knowledge and, not caution exactly, but maybe some awareness. But I guess I still want there to be a next time, after my wounded heart heals some more, and I am relieved to realize that.

I’m not looking forward to the whole starting over part of things, but hey, baby steps, right?

The Twisty Workings of My Mind

I’ve been thinking things over (and over and over) and trying to come to some decisions and/or realizations. Just trying to make my peace with recent events, I suppose. I imagine this will all sound rather rambling, but it’s where I’m at right now.

I fell in love with a funny, passionate, intelligent man named Dan. He loved me back, and we made happy plans. Then I found out he was married, and I shattered into a million tiny pieces. If you’ve been reading my writings, you know how much I’ve been struggling. It has been hell, and I am still working to come to terms with things. I mentioned in an earlier post how it is almost like the man I loved is dead, or gone, just sort of jerked out of existence by the cheating husband who actually goes by the name Adrian. I don’t know this man Adrian, and honestly I don’t like what I do know about him very much at all. I never loved him, I don’t miss him, want him, need him.

I loved my Dan, and I still miss him, still ache for him. A lot. Or at least the idea of him, the promise of him, I don’t know. It feels kind of like I was rudely awoken from an extremely enjoyable dream, sort of disorienting. I’m trying to view my time with him as exciting and fun while it was happening, something to remember, if not exactly fondly, then at least without regrets. The problem comes when I get broadsided with what might have been. It sneaks up on me and snatches at my breath, even still. I very much wanted what I thought I had, with this person who apparently does not even exist, who had no right to offer his love to me, and I’m so very sad that it’s gone.

That is part of what is so hard to deal with. I thought I had something real and I didn’t, and now I feel like I have to start all over again. Starting over again is exhausting, it really is. I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing, for about the last 10 years. The only significant bright spot in my life in that span of time has been my son, who is now 5, and thank god for him. The rest has been a whole lot of bullshit, frankly. Miscarriages, bankruptcy, depression and failure. I’m a positive person, but it’s been a whole hell of a lot to deal with and I don’t know, maybe it has something to do with why I am taking this whole situation harder than it might otherwise warrant.

I’ve been fighting hard to put myself back out into the world, supporting my son, getting him the help and assistance he needs (he has various autism spectrum disorders), all the things you do to keep on functioning through life’s difficulties. Then I put all my hope and dreams into something that did not work out. And in some ways that is ok, because I DO believe in love and I DO believe in taking chances on it. It could have been real, and if it had been real I would have been so happy, so damn happy. But it wasn’t. So this is a setback. A big one, yeah, but that’s all it is. It’s a part of life. So I’ll keep moving forward, because that is what I do.

And, that’s my burst of positivity, and now I’m done for a while. I can’t sustain it, but at least I’ve managed to have a moment or two of thinking there might be a light at the end of this tunnel. I’m trying, I am. I put it out there, but then the loss of my lover reaches up and slaps me, and it hurts, so bad, so fucking bad.

Positive Thinking

I’m a generally positive person, by nature. At least I like to think so. Lately it has really been a struggle to keep smiling, though. I’ve dealt with severe depression in the past, and I am not there now, not at all. But having been there, and wanting never to go there again if at all possible, I am constantly on alert. Yes, depression is chemical and so on, but life situations can make you drop your guard. I know this well. And aside from the pain and trauma associated with losing a love I believed in, a love I thought was real, it all just happened so damn abruptly. One moment I was loving life, blissfully happy and in love, the next moment I am picking my shredded heart up off the floor. I had no time to prepare, the firm surface I was standing on was just snatched rudely from beneath me and replaced with betrayal, lies and abandonment. Add in the fact that winter is on its way and I loathe winter, and yeah, I’m struggling. I’m not superhuman.

So today, or at least right now, I am going to concentrate on the things that make me happy: Today is Halloween. I love Halloween. The sun is shining. My living room is clean. I had bacon and grits for breakfast. I have a new book to read. I still might get the job I’m trying to get.

And, of course, the number one reason to be happy and my number one reason for fighting to regain my balance and my spirit, my son. My son makes me happy. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I love him more than I even knew it was possible to love someone.