For every moment of clarity, every small ray of light that I manage to drag to the surface of me, every moment where I think I might be doing better, there is, eventually and inevitably, a violent recoil that knocks me off my feet. It is a tangible thing, I can feel it happen, feel it hit me. Sometimes it is so sudden that I have no warning at all, while at other times I can see and feel it flying towards me, faster and faster, coming for me. I cannot escape, I cannot hide. I cannot stand against it. It forces me to the ground, drops me to my knees. It steals the breath from my lungs and the spark from my soul. And so I find myself curled into a ball in the corner of my sofa, crying like a child.
I’ve been trying to apply the technique that I use to help me deal with migraines, which is very simple. Just slow, steady breaths combined with visualizing myself floating safely beneath the water, letting the pain wash over me while I gently sway beneath the crashing waves. It isn’t helping, at least not so far. I feel physically battered, and I am exhausted. In all ways exhausted.
I have more to say, more thoughts to explore, but I can’t find the words. I feel blunted. Numbness surrounds and accentuates the icy pain that I cannot seem to make leave me be, no matter how hard I try.
I am fighting, I am. I can’t find me, but I am still here, maybe not standing, but I am still here.
Not a good day. Not at all. Today, right now, I just want him. I miss everything about him. The him I knew, the him I loved. The him that is lost, gone, not available, not mine, vanished. I can’t make my brain function, my emotions are definitely in the driver’s seat today. Damn. My heart hurts. It HURTS. I’m shaky and cold. I can’t keep any food down. I keep leaking tears everywhere, and it just fucking hurts. Such bullshit.
I want to know WHY? And there is just no answer to that question, no answer at all.
My heart is bleeding.
There was a thick layer of frost over everything this morning when I left to drive my son to school. Just one more sign that winter is on its way, that the days will get shorter, darker and bleaker. There’s already been snow flurries in the surrounding areas. Last year, the first significant snow was on December 24th, and that was the last time I saw the ground until maybe March or April of this year. I detest winter, I so do. And it is stalking me, coming for me, lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce and steal away my sunshine.
Snow can be beautiful. I can appreciate that. But in general, I really don’t care for it, or winter, at all. It’s just one more thing right now. That’s what it feels like my life has become lately, one thing after another to have to deal with, to have to overcome. I would like a break. I would LOVE a break.
Lately I have been finding myself some portion of the way through an activity with no conscious memory of how I came to be there, or what I’d been thinking about prior to the return of self-awareness. Like a daydream I have no recollection of, or a brief slip from the rigors of reality. It is somewhat disconcerting. I wonder if it means anything, or if it is just a sign that I’ve had way too much to process recently?
I guess I’m a little bit concerned that I’m letting myself slip into a funk, or possibly an actual depression, but I can’t seem to stop anything. I feel like I’m a broken record, and I’ve stopped wanting to bother my friends with my pain, so I’m starting to shut people out or deflect them when they ask how I am doing. I don’t think that is wise, but again, I can’t seem to stop myself. I internalize so much, rather than bother other people with my problems, I always have. It’s actually one of the reasons I decided to try writing online. I feel like people are out there, possibly listening and caring. But they/you can read or not read, I’m not forcing myself and my woes on anyone. I don’t know. That might not make sense. Not much makes sense to me lately, not much at all.
My thoughts just keep endlessly looping. Non-productive, self destructive, depressive thoughts. Why? Why . . . everything? Why can’t I find and keep what I want out of life? What is wrong with me? Is it too much to ask for more? To want more? Am I wrong to want passion, to want love, to want someone who GETS me?
I MISS him. I miss the idea of him, I miss what we had, what I thought we had. Which we didn’t, clearly. Or, we did, but it wasn’t truthful, so it, what, doesn’t count? It certainly felt real to me, counted to me. I know that much. I feel stupid. And gullible. And foolish. I don’t even think it is all about him anymore. I mean, yes, I miss him. That’s quite obvious. But he’s a liar, a deceiver, a possibly not wonderful person. So, I think perhaps that I miss the idea of him more than the reality. Or the prior reality over the current one. I miss what it was when I was living it, and I miss the promise of the future, of having everything I wanted.
My grip is slipping. I can feel it slipping. I have to focus.
Nothing is bright, nothing is shiny, nothing is yes at all. I am full of no and pain and sadness. I feel lost and alone and hopeless. I could not get out of bed today. I just lay there, in the dark, sad, hurting, scared. I just now got up. It’s after lunch. I’m so tired. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I am so tired. I am a fool. I am a fool and my soul is in tatters.
Today was hard. Songs on the radio, people in love walking down the street holding hands, even the sound my phone makes when I get a message . . . it all reminded me of how things used to be. I think I’m doing fine, or decent, or at least semi-ok but all it takes is one little thing, and my breath catches in my chest, the pulse in my neck and my wrists starts jumping around and the butterflies in my stomach flutter to life.
So he’s the wrong man for me. I get that, intellectually. But I still miss him. The burst of righteous anger I managed to work up yesterday has passed, and I just feel sad and broken.
I miss being in love.