New Year’s Eve

One constant with being a parent, a sick child trumps everything. And so I find myself curled up in bed with my laptop, while my son tosses and turns restlessly beside me. Poor little man. I hate it when he’s sick, but at least I can bring him into my room and hold his hand while he sleeps. I still have this almost compulsive need to make certain he’s breathing. I don’t imagine that ever really goes away, more that you just learn to keep the urge under control.

Today has been a very emotional day for me. I’ve had the urge to have a good cry for most of the day. I think it has a lot to do with the time of year and the whole cycle of endings and beginnings, contrived though it may be. The last several years have been simultaneously some of the best and worst of my life. Most of the best has to do with my son, and the rest is pretty much just time I’m glad is in the past.

I’ve never been one for resolutions. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve ever made an official New Year’s resolution. I do have some thoughts for this coming year. None I’m ready to share, as I haven’t actually gotten them worked out, but there are definitely some ideas swirling around.

I am profoundly thankful that my mom is now a five-year survivor of breast cancer. She’s off her medicines and has been basically released by her oncologist, other than a yearly check-up. I can’t adequately express how relieved I am to still have her in my life. Her diagnosis was without a doubt one of the scariest things I’ve even experienced, that we as a family have ever experienced.

As for my stated desire to not think about him anymore, it’s going reasonably well. It still crops up now and then, but in a way that is less specific to him and more in a “circumstances of my life” sort of way. There are definitely still some things to explore, but more in terms of finally figuring out what I’d like out of my life and taking the necessary steps to achieve it. Which plays a bit into the idea of resolutions and so on. Anyway, I guess I’ve just finally come to the conclusion that he’s kind of a shit. And that’s ok, some people are. Thankfully, he and his issues are no longer my problem. I have quite enough of my own issues to keep me busy, thank you very much!

My son is stirring, so it won’t be long until he wakes up needing comfort and medicine. In the meantime, I and Neil Gaiman will leave you with best wishes for a happy 2012.

 

My Reason For Everything

Holidays stress me in general, and it’s been a rough few days with more on the way. I’ll write about it eventually, I’m sure. Possibly even later tonight, after I get my son to bed. In the meantime, a reminder to me why I work as hard as I do, my reason for everything, my heart, my son.

Wine, Friends and Cthulhu

I’m heading out for a haircut and then heading to lunch with a friend. Then I’m driving to my cousin’s for a night of wine and more friends. I miss my son already, especially when he cries as I leave. It hurts my heart. But I need some time for me, too. That has been a hard realization to come to as a mother.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I have a few things to explore more thoroughly, but it will have to wait until I return.

In the meantime, my holiday wish for you . . . a sentiment I think we can all get behind.

Positive Thoughts For The Day

My goal is to think of at least one happy thought each day, to get myself back into the habit of being positive and forward thinking. So, with that in mind, I am looking forward to visiting my cousin this Saturday. Yes, we’ll probably end up downing a bottle of wine (or two) and commiserating a bit over our recently lost loves. But, sometimes that sort of thing just needs to be done, and I am thankful that our relationship is one where we can offer that comfort to each other.

I also just finished watching Tangled with my son, and his unique appreciation of the things most people might not notice makes me smile.

One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, when it comes to that.

Noel Gallagher Is A Musical Genius

I am so in love with this album. It is all I have listened to for days. It’s playing right now, as I sit here and type. If I am awake, this is playing. If I am in the car, this is playing. Straight through, it is so freaking good. Well, except for when my son is in the car with me. HIs autism makes him, we’ll call it extra focused on things, and he tends to get stuck on individual songs. Currently, the only song he’ll listen to is The Hero, by Queen. But, the point is, Noel Gallagher is like a god to me, and this album is excellent. Listen to it now, I insist.

Oasis was and is a favorite group of mine, I have loved them since the very first moment I heard them, way back in, what . . . 1995, I guess. He loves them, too. We’d been excitedly awaiting the release of this album, and now here it is. I won’t let heartbreak or sadness deprive me of something that I love, nope, I won’t do that. So that is my positive thought for the day. It might not be much, but I think every bit I manage is a step in the right direction.

There is one song I probably won’t deliberately listen to for a while, but I’m ok with that for now.

A Brief Break . . .

. . . from your regularly scheduled angst. Foo Fighters. Friends. A whole lot of alcohol. A tiny bit of yes. That’s me on the left. My eyes aren’t always that red. Soon, sleep.

Foo Fighters concert

*Edited to add – Huh, well I swear the picture was there when I posted this, but I will confess to being, uh, less than 100% sober when I did it. And somehow it’s no longer on my phone, either. 😦

This Yes Is Mine

Someone asked me about the name I chose for this blog. It has to do with my version of positive thinking, my way of viewing the world. I strive to be a person who sees the Yes in life over the No. I’m not perfect at it, by any means, but it is my goal and I try to deliberately seek out the Yes.

He seemed to intuitively get this, which was something I found extremely attractive about him. Yes became a sort of code word with us, a testament to the connection we had, to our belief in possibilities and to our amazed excitement at what was happening between us.

Needless to say, my ability to see the Yes in life took a serious hit from discovering his lies and betrayal. It’s been shaken up, kicked, stomped on, everything. What’s worse, I’ve been made to feel foolish for even believing in the Yes in the first place. So I wanted a name that acknowledged that sometimes Yes is hard, sometimes it’s messy, sometimes you have to fight to keep it in your life. And I wanted to reclaim my word, my concept, from what it became between him and me. So while I hope he finds his own Yes, I am not responsible for his outlook, only for mine. And this Yes is mine.

Dan Jimenez, Adrian Jimenez, escritorio1978